On which step of my stairs from the bedroom to the front door do these people think I magic myself hetro? If I had a penny for every time I hear someone in education suggest that the private lives of teachers are of no consequence to the students in response to the question of staff being open about their sexuality I would indeed be writing this very blog post from the deck of my beachside cabin in Tahiti and not from the study of the lovely but modest 3 bed semi I share with my beautiful girlfriend.
You see there is one of the very issues, if I was to be closeted as a teacher then I could not make passing mention of some event my girlfriend and I experienced at the weekend. When students express their love for my latest iphone case and say "Miss where did you get that?" I would have to invent an instant lie or be highly trained in smoke-screening my answers. I could not simply and naturally answer "Not sure as my girlfriend bought it for me". This question of whether or not gay and lesbian staff should be out at school has raised its head numerous times in my 20 something years in London schools and has too often been met with the philosophy of well meaning colleagues stating that what Mr or Ms X does in his or her bedroom is of no consequence to the students, in one guise or another. Sometimes it is referred to as their private life, sometimes home life, I have even heard it called a person's marital preferences, but always it is a hidden part of life and equated to sexual activities and bedroom preferences. At one school I was once told quite firmly by a pastoral leading colleague of mine that what she and Mr R did in their bedroom was no business of the children and the same should be true for the private choices of other members of staff.
Whilst she was clearly right, any teacher's bedroom activities are quite definitely not for public discussion in the classroom, but right there lies my biggest issue with this response. I am a lesbian in my bedroom, in Sainsburys, when swimming in the sea and when trying to unlock the barriers to learning of the many children I have had the pleasure to teach over the years in a classroom. I do not cease to be a lesbian on the stairs as I leave my bedroom, nor on the bus or train travelling to work, or in fact as I enter the school gates and open my register or chair my first meeting of the day. This is my issue, being a lesbian is who I am. It is my life and my natural existence and I should no more have to perfect the art of smoke screening or fabricating answers to students than any other member of staff. Of course we all have our own comfort zone with truths, realities and how open we are happy to be with those around us. I am not advocating that we all have to share everything, check my Facebook you will find I have many friends from many walks of life but I dont play my life out dirty washing and all for this online community to share, although some of my friends sometimes do and I feel a need to squint as I read their status updates when they do this but it is their choice. If the individual teacher in question feels happy to be open about their life with the students then it is the responsibility of every school to support them. There would be uproar if a member of staff was told they could not be supported if they shared details of their heritage or where they grew up or was told to invent an alternative story when asked about this aspect by students. Being free to be open and honest in response to questions or when describing something you have done out of school time, perhaps travelling to an amazing part of this planet, is the right of everybody in every school.
I have always lived in the communities in which I have taught so how would I go about being closeted in the way some learned friends suggest it should be done. When I bump into a small group of students in Sainsburys as I often do, them grabbing some snacks to head to the cinema and me quite obviously doing the weekly shop with my girlfriend, what might I say when asked on Monday, "Who was you in the shops with Miss?" What about when I am seen cycling along the river path again with my girlfriend at the weekend and stop to say Hi to a student and her parents, the mum introduces the young girls father as we have not met in school before, how should I escape the moment of having to introduce my girlfriend as maybe my sister, but hang on was this girl among the group that I saw in Sainsburys recently and what did I tell them when asked on the Monday morning? Finally at the Y11 parents evening at the end of that week I was stopped by the parent of one student who showed me some pics on her phone of our kittens playing in the tree in her garden, she was checking if they are my cats as she was pretty sure they come from over our fence most days. So yes she lives in the road backing onto our garden, should I be more careful when calling my girlfriend affectionate aliases in case they too are enjoying the sunshine and hear us speaking? You see in the shops, the garden and at school parents evening I am who I am (to coin a phrase) and would need MI6 espionage training if I was to keep up the facade of lies about who the woman sharing my home, car, life and leisure time is. Why should I be forced to lie any more than anyone else? Often in the course of my interactions with students I am asked some very bizarre questions and am under no illusions that the young people I am working with are genuinely interested in the answer, more they are fishing for details of my life to satiate their inquisitive natures. I have been asked many times am I married, is my partner tall, what did I buy my partner for Christmas and of course the ultimate have you got any pictures of your partner on your phone Miss? As I have already said I am clear the young people are not asking because they are conducting a personal survey into the heights or leisure interests of the partners of members of staff. This is their way of saying "Miss are you a lesbian?" yet they are so comfortable with the matter they realise that I might not welcome the confrontation of an outright question but would prefer the opportunity to choose my responses and in this way they have astutely allowed me the opportunity to show my level of confidence in their attitudes and behaviour by selecting how open I am happy to be in trusting them with information about me. Usually this type of interaction has occurred with Year 7 and 8 youngsters who have heard from older students on the grapevine that I am gay and feel a need to have that open discussion for a range of reasons. Some instantly engage in a conversation with me about their two mums, or a family member who is gay, others teater around the edge of the conversation over a number of weeks gradually building their confidence in trusting me with information about them, someone they know or a long and often muddled list of questions they just want to talk about out loud. Obviously as time moves on and it becomes widely known who the out staff are within the school community it becomes more and more natural in discussion and often acts as a reminder of inclusion in meetings and lessons. I have popped into a classroom during walk through lesson observations only to be greeted with a proud member of staff holding an open discussion about the causes of war and aggression and including all relationships in their examples to the class that it is not just hetrosexual husbands and wives that argue about relationships with each other.
So to the outcomes which are let's face it so important in the public learning world these days. I know from first hand experience of young people who have had a really positive time at schools as a result of there being a small number of out gay and lesbian staff in the community. I have had amazing genuine honest conversations with parents and carers on issues of sexuality, been part of a group of staff who worked with young people to develop training resources to ensure all staff were well equipped with the tools to challenge homophobic bullying and above all else been able to be completely natural with young people and their families in a way that when I last passed a year 10 lad and his mum at the local picturehouse recently he said "Hi Miss, Hi Miss's girlfriend, what film you seeing...?" and continued the conversation without a single unnatural pause or uncomfortable question. I am proud that the school I worked in had a truly inclusive ethos and support at all levels was excellent as too was challenge when needed. These outcomes occurred alongside many others including excellent achievements and superb performances in a range of disciplines. Whilst I was discussing the difficulties being encountered by two dads during the breakdown of their civil partnership I was also discussing the difficulties of another family dealing with their marriage separation, the important thing about these outcomes is they all occurred with equal respect and support in an open and honest environment. That for me is true inclusion and must be an aim of all school leaders to support and facilitate such an environment of trust and truth. It is through genuine attitudes towards inclusion and equality that we will move forwards together and the young teachers laying awake at night worrying about being out at work and being the only one to tread the path in their schools will sleep easy in their beds and rise to know they will be supported fully in being honest and truthful in the place they spend more hours of their waking life than any other during their years of employment. This environment nurtures confident enlightened young people who are aware in society of the diversity around them and competent and thoughtful in their approach towards difference. It ensures young people who are gay, lesbian or questioning feel that they exist and can grow to feel safe in being open themselves when they are ready. But above all else an environment of open honesty will educate all those well meaning yet somewhat blinkered colleagues who have considered being gay or lesbian is something that happens in a bedroom and remains there hung on the hook with the bathrobe whilst the owner pops out to work all day.
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